It is funny how you can look back and realize it all starts with a decision. My decision was made at thirteen when I tried on a horrible pair of geometric, color-blocked stretch pants that my friend had cast aside. I tried them on, and for the first time in my life looked at my body with a critical, judging eye. I decided my thighs were too fat and did not look good enough for the pants. It is now hilarious that I viewed my thighs as not worthy of one of the more heinous fashion creations ever, geometric leggings. In any case, amidst the worst of fashion choices, it began.
I made a decision to right what was wrong and to fix myself. I found out how much I “should” weigh and weighed myself frequently. With time, I began to monitor my diet like a hell bent Gestapo. I started writing down my food intake, and when that wasn’t enough I would go over and over the list in my mind. I needed to be very sure not to exceed my allotted amount of calories. I believed I could not and would not lose weight otherwise. And after all, I needed to lose weight so I could be happy, so it was worth it, right?
When I decided calorie counting wasn’t enough, I began a series of modifications including cutting out all fat from my diet. This choice led me to a strange and rarely mentioned obsession with fat-free products. I ate many a tub of fat -free butter in those times, usually with bread. It tasted better with practice. I ate dry salads while others at my table would engage in true act of going out to eat by eating something they actually wanted. I intentionally drank my body weight in diet soda daily, to numb my hunger and fill my belly, all in an effort to be thin and “healthy”. Yet despite all of my rules, when I could be so-called good no longer and no one was watching, I would eat absolutely everything in sight.
I eventually progressed into some serious binge eating and assorted disordered eating habits. I lived a shadow of a life. While others developed interests and pursued their dreams my brain was steadfastly focused on my diet and exercise for the day and what stage of the “plan” (there was ALWAYS some sort of plan at that time) I was at. I slowly started noticing that I did not have as many interests as others. What I did have was my one true love: “You’ll Be Happy Later Diet Plan” that I always seemed to be on.
Perhaps not surprisingly, it turns out that it didn’t much matter when I reached my goal weight and had those thighs I had been dreaming about. Sure I felt momentary relief and pride, but then it became about staying there and not gaining it back. I had to be very, very careful and weighing myself once often wasn’t good enough, so I frequented my scale multiple times a day. If only scales accrued frequent flier miles, I would have been to Paris many times by now. And though, my happiness continued to elude me, I believed I would find it just beyond that next pound I was going to lose. If not there, perhaps it would be in the jeans pocket of that size 6 I wanted so badly to fit into. Nope. Maybe that’s because it’s hidden in the pocket of the size four pants….(To be continued)
Tags: binge eating, emotional eating, food, losing weight
Posted in accepting yourself, be happy now, change, choice, eat what you want, eating disorders, inspiration, life of your dreams, new way of being, weight, what is possible | No Comments »
